On Buying A Home

You know, people have been buying and selling homes in this country since day one, which would make you think there wouldn’t be so many surprises for first-time buyers. I’ve learned two things in the last couple months. One of those things I can’t really do anything about and having advanced knowledge of the other probably wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. That said, those two things are:

  1. Title transfers are public knowledge and every business in your area will know that you’ve just bought a house before you’ve had the chance to finish telling all your friends. This is especially true of life insurance companies. They really ought to warn neurotic people that when you buy a house you will literally receive over a hundred pieces of mail in the first month discussing what will happen if you die.
  2. You will go to Home Depot and you will spend lots and lots of money there. You’ll think you can control it but you can’t. Because the sink in the back bathroom has really shitty water pressure and needs a new aerator. And the wallpaper in the front bathroom is butt ugly and you have to take care of that shit now. And the dumbasses that replaced the termite-damaged wood weren’t contracted to paint it, so off to Home Depot you go. And it doesn’t matter if you hate Home Depot or not. You will go there and you will go there twice a week. Maybe until you die. And while you’re there you’ll walk down an isle and think to yourself, “Now that’s a kitchen sink” as though the kitchen sink you have is somehow inadequate, because you’re an impatient fucking idiot and you want your new home to be perfect. Right. Fucking. Now. There will be at least one cashier who looks at you and says, “Back again?” and you will feel The Shame but you won’t correct your behavior until the end of the month when you balance your checkbook and realize that even middle-aged people earning a decent income are sometimes forced to eat Top Ramen.

So, yeah, that’s pretty much what I’ve been up to.