“You took the easy way out.”

Literally no one has said this to me. But I’ve heard it said so much, so often, about other people, that I know the thought is lurking out there, possibly in the head of someone I love. I’m an intimidating guy (6’10”), so it may come to pass that no one ever says this to me. That said, if this moment ever does come to pass, I’m not confident in my ability to remain…kind, I guess, with my response. This is what I have to say in reply to, “You took the easy way out”:

  1. Fuck you.
  2. You have literally no idea what you’re talking about.
  3. Tell that to the 72 pounds I lost – 15% of my body weight – before I had the surgery. More to the point, tell it to the 50 pounds I lost, the 20 pounds I put back on, lost, put back on, lost, and put back on again. Then tell it to the 42 pounds I finally lost again before going under the knife.
  4. Tell that to the 12 weeks of classes, three bariatric consultations, three blood tests, colon cancer screening, several support groups, and the psychiatric evaluation I had to have before going under the knife.
  5. Tell that to the Lady Caffeine, my oldest, and second most intimate relationship, who I kicked to the curb like a sycophantic groupie, in order to go under the knife.
  6. Tell that to the knife.
  7. Tell that to the two weeks of liquids, the two weeks of pureed foods, the two weeks of soft foods. Tell that to having to relearn how to eat, and then tell it to the 600 (six, zero, zero) calories a day. Tell that to the grape skins, apple skins, peach skins, fresh corn, and various raw vegetables I can no longer digest.
  8. Tell that to surprise vomit attacks that might happen if I fuck up a meal.
  9. Seriously, fuck you.
  10. Your ignorance is embarrassing to witness, maybe try asking questions instead of passing judgement.

I could probably be a little more professional about it, but this is why I’m getting it out now. Plenty of time for revision.