Weekly Check In – 4/1/2020

Thirty seven weeks out from surgery, and here are the numbers I care about:

  • Weight: 257
  • Blood Sugar: 107

I put on .6 pounds. 6.6 pounds from goal. FUUUUUUUUCK. I’ll be fine. You’ll notice I’m resisting the easy April Fools joke. Okay, in all seriousness, I’ve been expecting this. Not because I’m so close to a major milestone, because that’s just a shitty combination of magical thinking and pessimism (that I am absolutely prone to), but because I wasn’t as active as I needed to be this last week. Since last Wednesday, I haven’t walked four of those days I think, which, having just done the math, suddenly makes me feel like an idiot. It’s really easy to not pay attention to yourself which, for the record, is how I wound up needing the surgery. So for the last week, four of those days have been sedentary while I graded / prepped for my online (plague days) classes. Which is bullshit. I could absolutely have made the time to walk, I just didn’t and if I made any excuse at all, it was the grading / prep. I could have walked an hour for each of those days, and been just as productive as I was without having walked.

And for the record, I’m officially at the point where diet alone isn’t going to be enough, and I have been for a while now. I think this is what I was worried about happening a few weeks ago. In fact, what I said at the end of my weekly update from two weeks ago was exactly this:

I have to admit that I’m every bit as fallible, every bit as susceptible to falling back into old habits as anyone else, and if I’m not hyper vigilant about what’s going on in my head and in my heart, I’m in serious danger of screwing myself out of achieving my goal, nine pounds away from it.

And last week I fell back into one of those old habits. Ugh. I’m going to have to spend some time figuring out how to avoid that this week.

Blood sugar’s 107. I had a fair amount of citrus again yesterday, and 107 is low enough, and I’m not giving up citrus. But again, it’s something I have to keep an eye on, which I did. There were several days where I had none. I think I’m going to just stop freaking out when my blood sugar is over 100, and do my best to remember to stay mindful of how many oranges and grapefruits I eat.

I’m happy, mostly, but it continues to be a complicated happiness. I’ve been teaching online for a few weeks now, and next week spring quarter starts up at CSUSB. I’m teaching a poetry class for the first time. It’s always extra work the first time you teach a class, but I have NO FUCKING IDEA how I’m going to teach poetry online. I mean, I do, but I guess I’m just worried about how it’s going to go. I have a LOT of prep to do for my three classes at CSUSB next week, but I’m not entirely sure that’s where the mild anxiety is coming from. Not entirely a surprise I guess. Today is the end of three weeks of quarantine, and I think it’s starting to get to me. I have an online therapy session with the shrink this morning, and I’m hoping it’ll be productive. Speaking of which, I have an online office hour in a little over ten minutes that I should probably be dressed for.

Here, have a graphic: