Satanic Swamp Ass

I’m sick, and I should either be in bed or writing an essay for my doctoral program, but I’ve just been through a mile of ICK and I’m sharing it with you. And of course, it all starts with Cooper, seen below looking guilty of something or other. We’ll get to that.

What’s up buddy?

So Coop is an old man. We’re not sure how old he is, but it doesn’t matter. His body is old, and one of the recent developments is he occasionally pisses in his bed at night. And then you wake up and smell it, and it’s on him, and he smells of it, and you have to give him another fucking bath, and you have to wash his fucking bed, and this most recent time, his cushions were pee soaked as well, so I tried washing those after I washed his bed, and that’s when I learned the lesson to just never do that:


That was this morning. So, I cleaned out the drier and then spent the day in bed whining about being sick. Late afternoon, I put a load of my wife’s laundry in the washer, and about an hour ago, I come back and the machine is flashing an SC error code and her laundry is completely wet. There’s still water in the tub. So I consult the Google, and apparently this means the drain thingy underneath the front-loading door is clogged with…SOMETHING. The Google says to open the drain door, uncap the drain hose, and to be sure to have a large container for it to drain into. I never question the Google, so I get a large bucket and do exactly that. And this is what happens:

Holy shit balls.

I’ve heard the term “gray water” for decades now, but I’ve apparently never experienced gray water. Turns out it’s a polite euphemism. Like “friendly fire.” This is not gray water. I mean, it literally is, but it’s also Satanic Swamp Ass water (#satanicswampass). It’s the smell of collapsing democracy while we all wonder who The Masked Fucking Singer is.

It smells really terrible. Holy shit balls.

SO THEN, the Google says I have to turn the drain filter counterclockwise and pull it out, and if there’s any debris, to clean it, using a toothbrush if need be. Then rinse, replace, and everything should be good. So, I turn the thing counterclockwise and pull it out and scream like a girl. I’ll remind you, that this all started here:


So I take the drain filter over to the the sink, grab the protruding mass, and pull. AND IT ALL COMES OUT IN ONE HORRIFYING PIECE. If you’re still reading at this point, what happens next is your fault:

yeah…a fucking TOOTHBRUSH

This monstrosity is larger than every toothbrush. I should’ve put a quarter next to it for perspective. A quarter could easily hide under the bulbous part on the left side. That is dog-bed-cushion guts, a decade of dirt and debris from dirty clothes, and HAIR. This is what little demons are made of.

And the fucking smell of the thing. It made me wanna stick my head in the bucket of #satanicswampass water. I don’t have a nice, poignant ending for this.