Once again, with only love in my heart, and a #spoiler warning that seems at least six years past necessary, here’s a Game of Thrones season two wrap up. As the seasons get more involved, the summaries get longer:
Snow idiot is still dead, because dead is serious business in this show. Stupidity seems to run through a lot of the family, especially on the male side. He has four sons and two daughters. The youngest daughter, Stabbity Jane, has her head out of her ass and she’s like, ten, so right there you really have to wonder if she’s really related to the rest. There’s a guy whose name you just know isn’t worth committing to memory, and he knows her, cuts her hair off, tells her to pose as a boy, and promises to take her home to Snowtown. Along the way, he insults and steals from the King’s guard, which always works out well for everyone, and you’re a little smug about not having learned his name. So he’s dead and she’s in custody of the grandpa of the new king, Inbred Jed (#ugh). Gramps immediately figures out that she’s not a boy, and is slowly figuring out that she’s not a waitress, but she escapes his custody with the help of a male model who talks about himself in the third person. The male model gives her a coin, and makes her memorize a password, and tells her to let him know if she ever wants to learn how to be a ninja. Then he changes his face and you’re like, “This guy isn’t a model!”
Her older sister, Lady No More Tears, is trapped in Kingtown, and still engaged to Inbred Jed. She refuses two offers to be taken back to Snowtown and cries a lot.
Their half-brother, Broody Goth Boy, has taken an oath to live on a wall and die a virgin. This sounds terrible, but between Snowtown and Kingtown, you kinda see yourself making a similar choice. Broody and a bunch of other Goths go north of the wall to find out what’s going on with the wildy people, who apparently just steal shit and vote libertarian. Broody winds up getting separated from his peeps, and is taken prisoner by the wildy people, who have gathered in enormous numbers.
The oldest brother, the newly crowned king of the snow, is a goddamn idiot, but he’s kicking ass all over the place, and has captured Inbred Jed’s uncle, who is also Inbred Jed’s father, which is why Jed’s inbred. There’s a guy named Theon who’d be really easy to feel sorry for if he wasn’t such a dickhead. Theon is the son of a guy who openly rebelled against the dead snow idiot from season one. The king of the snow decides to send Theon home to his father to ask for a favor. What could go wrong?
THEN, in the middle of all the momentum he’s built up on the battlefield, the king of the snow decides to go to the nearest pharmacy with this hot nurse he just met. While he’s gone his mother decides to let their prisoner, Uncle Dad, be taken back to Kingtown, in the hope that Inbred Jed will say, “Thanks,” and send her daughters back to Snowtown, EXACTLY LIKE EVERY HOSTAGE EXCHANGE EVER. The king of the snow gets back from the nearby pharmacy, has his mom locked up, and gets married to the hot nurse, even though he promised to marry another girl in exchange for a bridge (I swear to god I’m not making that up). WHAT COULD GO WRONG????
Theon goes home, asks his dad to help the king of the snow, his dad tells him he’s an idiot, and tells him to take a ship and go raid some fishing villages. Instead, he takes the ship and goes and takes over Snowtown, which is easy because the king of the snow is off having a war he’s ignoring. This all ends with the two youngest sons of the dead snow idiot from season one barely escaping with the help of Hodor, WHO IS THE BEST PERSON IN THIS ENTIRE GODFORSAKEN WORLD, and a wildy girl.
MEANWHILE, in Kingtown, there’s just a fuck ton of posturing and shit talk going on, and the people are starving because of the 100% unnecessary war started by Inbred Jed and Queenmom. ALSO, there are two people who want the throne, both of them the brothers of the dead king idiot, Jed’s fake father. There’s the older brother, Grumpypants, and the younger brother who’s name you just know you aren’t gonna need to remember because you’re starting to get pretty good at watching this show. So Grumpypants has a smoky shadow baby with a witch and the smoky shadow baby kills the younger brother and then stops existing, which means Grumpypants doesn’t even have to put him through college (#ParentingWin). THEN, Grumpypants attacks Kingtown with his navy, but half of them die in a horrifying green fire, and the other half die in a failed beach assault.
The reason Grumpypants gets his ass kicked is because of Tyrion the dwarf, who is Inbred Jed’s actual uncle. In season one Tyrion mostly makes jokes about penises, but in season two, he shows a formidable intelligence, great depth of character, and genuine skill in leadership. None of this matters, because he’s short, and Kingtown is the worst city on this earth. He literally saves the city from being overrun by Grumpypants and his men, and almost no one will know, and none of the few who do know will ever acknowledge it. This feels way, way too much like the world we live in.
MEANWHILE, across the ocean, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady is having trouble getting the Magic Dragon Jesus Lady cult off the ground. Most cults need to brainwash / convert the impressionable children of rich white people if they want any chance of lasting longer than a summer, but Magic Dragon Jesus Lady is stuck in the desert and her people still don’t believe in medicine so, you know, no great thinkers in the crowd. They find themselves at the gates of Sandtown, and one of The 13 (the governing body of Sandtown) decides to vouch for Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and her peeps (presumably because Magic Dragon Jesus Lady is objectively hot as fuck and he wants to take her to #Bonetown), and they’re allowed in the city. There’s a wizard in the city who wishes he was Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and he steals her dragons with the help of the guy who vouched for her. This goes poorly, and the dragons set the wizard on fire. Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and her peeps go back to the house of the guy who vouched for her, throw him in his giant vault, and steal all his shit. The Magic Dragon Jesus Lady cult gets to exist past the summer.
The season ends with a parade of #IceZombies.
Takeaways from this season: Everyone is still a redneck. Civilization is still a lie, but maybe it’s a lie worth fighting for. Honor is not a lie, but having it is possibly the most dangerous thing in the world, and talking about it makes you sound like a high school virgin who won’t stop talking about all the sex he’s having. There’s a moment where Old Lady Stark is talking to Jaime Lannister, a guy who sleeps with his sister, a guy whose nickname is The Kingslayer, a guy who pushed one of her sons out of a window, crippling him for life, and knowing all of this, she says to him, “You have no honor,” because she’s also the Empress of the Painfully Obvious. It’s just embarrassing.
#GoT #ParentingWin #Bonetown #IceZombies