Once again with 100% love, and a #spoiler warning that I guess I can understand, kinda, I submit my Game of Thrones season four wrap up:
Oh man, where to start? I guess with Magic Dragon Jesus Lady, who’s moved on to yet another, larger town of slavery and corruption. This town also falls to her and her cult. Then she decides to stay in town and rule as their new queen, because…I guess she wants some practice being queen? So she starts dealing with the minutiae of governance, WHICH IS EVERY BIT AS ENTERTAINING AS IT SOUNDS. While this is going on, her dragons are causing all kinds of trouble, because it turns out dragons make terrible pets, like Bengal Tigers, only so, so much worse. When one of them burns a three–year–old girl to a crisp and then goes missing, she locks the other two in the dungeon, because they’ve been bad dragons, very bad dragons, bad, bad!
MEANWHILE, across the ocean, in Kingtown, Inbred Jed gets married, and his behavior gets ever more childish, but it really doesn’t matter, because halfway through his own wedding he dies a hideous death, from drinking subpar wine, much like his dead, idiot father (who isn’t really his father, but he doesn’t know that, and it doesn’t matter now because his stupid ass is dead, dead, DEAD AHAHAHAHA). Blood is streaming from his mouth and nose, and just as he dies, tears of blood stream from his eyes, and this is where the show really starts to get interesting, because even though Jed was a heinous piece of shit, AND was well on his way to next–level Caligula shit, no one deserves to die this way, but you’re watching this happen and you’re screaming so loud, with so much joy, your neighbors can hear it. This show sometimes reveals things about yourself that really aren’t flattering.
So Jed’s dead, and his mother, Queenmom, pins the murder on Tyrion the dwarf. This results in a trial that’s so full of shit it could double as a congressional hearing for a Supreme Court nominee. This whole process is so infuriating that you’re thinking, “Damn, everyone in this castle needs to die,” and just as you’re thinking that, Tyrion actually says it. He then gives a speech that’s so fucking great you can’t believe it. And, seriously, if you’re at all prone to word–induced orgasms, you might want to grab a towel. Anyway, Tyrion calls bullshit on the whole thing, and demands his right to trial by combat. Unfortunately, this means he has to fight Mountain Greg, the biggest redneck in the seven kingdoms. Tyrion is totally hosed.
UNTIL an old enemy of the family, Inigo Montoya, volunteers to fight on his behalf. Inigo has Mountain Greg practically beat, he’s dealt a killing blow, but then he gets cocky and says, “Hello! My name is Ini–” and then Mountain Greg grabs him AND MAKES AN ABSOLUTE MESS OF HIS FACE. Tyrion is totally hosed.
UNTIL his brother, Uncle Dad, breaks him out of the dungeons and tells him to get out of town. On his way out of the castle, he stops for a quick bit of murder, killing the prostitute he’s in love with, and his father, who’s taking a dump.
MEANWHILE, Lady No More Tears barely gets out of Kingtown with her life, and even then, she has to be forced to leave because she’s kind of dim.
Her little brother, Raven Bran, has been traipsing around the snow with the help of Hodor, the best person in the world, and his new friends, the Red Shirt Siblings. Raven Bran and his peeps have been trying to find a massive tree, and they finally find it, but as they approach it, a bunch of skeletons pop up out of the ground, and they’re apparently well rested because all of them are Bruce Lee. The Red Shirt Brother dies, but the rest get inside the tree, where they meet an old man who says Raven Bran is gonna learn to fly, so…I guess he lives in a tree.
MEANWHILE, Broody Goth Boy is recovering from his wounds where the wildy girl shot him. He’s still totally in love with her because no one learns how to be loved in a healthy way on this show. The situation is pretty grim. There are a hundred thousand wildy people, and about a hundred freezing crow people. The wildy people are gonna attack the crow people any day now, and the crow people are increasingly pissy with each other because they never have sex. Broody has been broody for three seasons, but when the wildy people attack, holy shit balls, it’s like Captain America and Legolas had a little goth baby, and at this moment you’re just looking at him like, “Who the fuck are you?” and he’s like, “I’m John Fuckin’ Snow man,” and you’re like, “Let me have your babies,” and he’s like, “HOLD THE GATES,” and you do, but while you’re killing giants for him you’re also composing poetry in your head, because woof. This show really has a way of revealing things about yourself. ANYWAY, he just stomps all over everyone’s ass and the wildy people are repelled. The next morning he goes out to kill their leader but before he’s able to, a massive army shows up under the command of Lord Grumpypants, who we haven’t heard much of since season two, when Tyrion the dwarf set his navy on fire. Lord Grumpypants still wants to be king because he’s an idiot.
MEANWHILE, Stabbity Jane is hanging out with Dogman. The two of them develop a really unhealthy father / daughter dynamic, built on curse words and murder. They argue about which people to kill, and Dogman’s plan to ransom her keeps getting foiled until finally he gets his ass kicked in a fight with Brienne, and he falls off a cliff. Stabbity finds a ship sailing for Ninjatown, and she gives the captain the coin she was given by the male model assassin from season two. She says the password, and the captain says, “Whoa,” and gives her a cabin.
The season ends with Stabbity on the deck of the ship, staring at the water as she makes her way to Ninjatown, to learn how to be a ninja.
Takeaways from this season: there are far too few genuinely good people in the world, and most of them can’t protect themselves. If you’re one of the good guys, AND you can protect yourself, you have a moral obligation to stay alive. Dying for the sake of making a point is just stupid. If you’re dead, you’re not helping people. If you’re alive and you’re not helping people, you might as well be dead. Civilization is still a lie, honor is still dangerous, the world is still indifferent. Don’t die. Unless you’re a bad guy, in which case, fuck off.
#GoT #WordInducedOrgasms #StayAlive #JohnFuckinSnow