I Just Wanted Some Goddamn Shirts

And now I don’t have any goddamn shirts. So obviously this means I was just angered by yet another useless business, but the angry part is both boring and over, and what I’m left with is disgust for the American business landscape.

Department stores (LIKE JC PENNEY FOR EXAMPLE) should stop existing yesterday. They’re 20th century behemoths, riddled with tumors, who don’t even recognize their own reflection anymore. Oh and hey, maybe one large building where I can buy underwear, an expensive crystal vase, and a mini colander that lets you rinse and store five ounces of blueberries never should’ve existed in the first place.

Meanwhile, companies like Amazon are doing the job better than any department store ever could have, but they seem incapable of turning a profit without violating several key points of the Geneva Convention. YOUR EMPLOYEES HAVE TO PISS AMAZON. YOU CAN’T NEGOTIATE THAT.

And then there’s small business. I love small business owners when they’re hard working badasses. I can’t stand small business owners when they’re self-important jackasses who blame their failure on others. They place themselves on pedestals for being Small Business Owners (cue heroic stance and dramatic theme song) and it makes me sick. I hated working for them, and I refuse to do business with them. There’s nothing sacred about small businesses. There’s everything sacred about hard work.

You know what I’m a big fan of? Niche businesses. They understand that they’re appealing to a small customer base, and that a healthy profit margin goes hand in hand with being awesome at what they do. We need more niche businesses in the world.

DestinationXL is where I’ve been buying clothes for 25 years. Every time I walk in that store, I deal with one person and only one person, and they’re always friendly and knowledgeable. At the register, there’s never a mini colander that lets you rinse and store five ounces of blueberries. And when I just need a pair of underwear, I just go to their web site and order it. IT’S FUCKING FLAWLESS.

I’ve now lost enough weight that I can buy some of my clothing from larger stores (Sears, Walmart, JC Penney, etc.). I realize no one needs to know how much I spend on underwear, but whatever, when I buy them from DXL, which is what the cool kids are calling it, I spend $30 for a 3-Pack. Walmart sells 4-Packs for $12, but:

  1. They’re made of sandpaper, and
  2. Walmart murders small town economies as part of its business model.

JC Penney sells 4-Packs for $25, but:

  1. They’re better than sandpaper, but is that really a selling point? Also,
  2. They completely fuck up your online order because they’re terrible at being Amazon.

So you know what? Fuck it, I’m paying $10 a pair. Because they feel great on my sexy body, and because every time I deal with DXL, they’re awesome. Because they know there’s only about five of us who are this tall and keeping us happy will keep them happy. They make a shit ton of money off me, and in return, they make my life better.

Businesses, large or small, that suck at what they do – or excel at what they do but fail at basic humanity – need to go away forever. We need more niche businesses in the world.