Fifty eight weeks out from surgery, and here are the numbers I care about:
- Weight: 235
- Blood Sugar: 113
Maintaining and pretty happy about that given how little I’ve exercised this last
week month. It’s been too hot and I’ve been a little concerned about my left foot, which is only 35% excuse. I’m honestly waiting until I get the new pair of shoes and my new foot inserts to put in my other sneakers before I do any serious walking again. It’s still 35% excuse though, I have access to several pools where I could do low-impact exercise, I just don’t.
Of far greater concern is the blood sugar. It was close to that in June, but this is the highest it’s been since October 2nd. I’ll be paying very close attention to that and what I eat this week. Even a small handful of cherries will have to be tracked. That’s disturbing as hell.
But hey, back to the excuses about exercise, I couldn’t have picked a better time. All three of my schools are now in session, and taking everything online HAS GONE TOTALLY FINE, THANK YOU. NO, REALLY. Also, yesterday I did a quick count and I have 166 students this semester, which…
I’m still stressed to capacity with what’s going on in our country, but in the last week I haven’t had a single thought about eating out of a drive thru. I’m still a neurotic mess.
My mom texted me the other night and it took me two days to realize she’d texted me, and I replied to her with an apology, but now I’m worried that I hurt her feelings or worse, that she thinks I’m upset with her (without going into detail, because it’s nobody’s business, the last time I left their house I’d completely lost my shit, and was yelling about politics, which….actually, I’ll follow up on that below, this aside is getting too long), and I’m totally not upset with her but because of how I left, and then the fact that I appeared to have blown off her text for two days, now I’m feeling weird about it, and hoping I haven’t hurt her (and if this paragraph seems like it might be a sort of cowardly, sneaky way of explaining things to her that’s only because it is).
And there’s a similar situation with a friend who I care about immensely, but things have felt strained and communication is shitty, and I’m worried they’re pissed off at me, and I’m going back and forth between being upset about this and then being angry about it (“fuck them, if they can’t be bothered to blah blah blah”)…
And the answer to all of this is to just reach out and say hello to all the various people, and tell them I love them, but doing that has seemed impossible, and I’ve had this amazing excuse not to do anything, in the form of 166 students, and a shit ton of lessons to plan.
This is what it’s like inside my head almost all the time.
The last five or six paragraphs were half me trying to document my crazy, fucked-up monkey brain, half me publicly forcing myself into doing what I know I need to do, and half explaining that this is the mindset that leads to trips to Tommy Burgers. Also, I’m terrible at fractions.
Following up on the politics thing: Man, either you agree with me that our country is sliding into authoritarianism right now or you don’t. And honestly, it doesn’t matter to me whether or not you agree with me. The problem I’m having is that it’s increasingly difficult for me to maintain the respect I used to have for the people who disagree with me. Twenty years ago, I could’ve dated a republican. Today? If I found out my wife was a Trump supporter, the thought of what that could do to our marriage seriously scares me. This is my problem, not anyone else’s. But it’s becoming a significant one. I don’t think I can talk about politics with the people I love any more. I’d rather keep loving them.
I’m happy. A neurotic mess, but happy. I honestly believe once I can get back to putting in a couple miles of walking a day that a lot of this psychotic, mental hurricane bullshit will calm down. I pick up those shoes in 15 days. Between now and then, I have a LOT of work.
Here, have a graphic: