Looking at Game of Thrones (Season Three)

After stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down from a rich jerk, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and her cult have some money to spend.  Her most trusted advisor, Sir Lusty Pants, wants her to buy a ship and cross the ocean where all the people will welcome her as their rightful ruler.  This would be adorable if he was nineteen, but he’s pushing sixty and it’s just embarrassing.  His squinty eyes and leathery skin both say, “I’ve spent too much time in the sun,” but the glazy-eyed, schoolboy gaze that constantly drools out of his skull every time she’s in the room says, “deer in the headlights.” This, too, would be adorbs but he’s still pushing sixty, so #ick.  Anyway, she’s got her head out of her ass and understands that the people across the ocean don’t even know who she is.  She’s fifteen by the way.  Sir Lusty Pants is pushing sixty.  She’s fifteen.  He’s pushing sixty.  She’s fifteen.  This can’t be overstated.

ANYWAY, she’s got her head out of her ass, and wants to buy an army, so she finds an army of slaves who don’t mind if you cut their nipples off.  Really, they’re okay with it.  She finds slavery to be repulsive, so way to be on #TheRightSideOfHistory Khaleesi.  Instead of buying the slaves, she trades one of her dragons for them, and then tells the dragon to burn the slavers, and tells her new army to kill anyone with nipples.  This is awesome, and turns out to be a much faster way of funding a cult than selling flowers in airports.  From a distance, she’s still just setting people on fire and stealing from them, which are the tricks she learned in Sandtown in season two.  She’s doing it to slavers, so fuck those guys, but still (NOTE:  MONTHS LATER, I NOW REALIZE THESE WORDS WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT ME IN TERRIBLE WAYS #Foreshadowing).

MEANWHILE, across the ocean in Kingtown, Lady No More Tears is no longer engaged to Inbred Jed.  She’s thrilled with this news for about five seconds before someone points out that just because they aren’t getting married, it doesn’t mean he’s not gonna keep her around for emotional torture and rape.  This sounds horribly dark, yes, but hey, have you heard about this show called Game of Thrones?  Despite this, she turns down her third offer of escape from the city, and THIS IS WHY COLLEGE IS IMPORTANT!!! (#StayInSchoolLadies)

Before Inbred Jed can do anything terrible, his grandfather decides that Lady No More Tears is going to get married to Tyrion the dwarf.  Neither Tyrion nor Lady Tears want to get married, but this absolutely doesn’t matter, which is why #MarxHadaPoint.  So they get married, but Tyrion refuses to consummate the marriage because he’s not a pedophile.  Lady No More Tears is fourteen.  He’s pushing thirty.  She’s fourteen.  He’s pushing thirty.  But he’s not a pedophile, which at this point in the show, ISN’T something you can just assume about people.  Anyway, they’re married now, and Tyrion spends most of his time trying to make up for this to the prostitute he’s actually in love with.  He also gets super concerned with the economy, and he drinks a lot.

MEANWHILE, the king of the snow is still a goddamn idiot.  He hasn’t even fought a battle since early in season two, and Uncle Dad is still missing.  He’s constantly marching around with his army, but 90% of his time is spent making goo goo eyes and doing a spot-on Anakin Skywalker impression for his new wife.  One of his best advisors tells him he’s lost this war, and he lost it as soon as he met his wife.  The king of the snow ignores all kinds of good advice and loses half his army.  His only choice is to ask for more men from Sir Filch, the guy whose daughter he was supposed to marry in exchange for a bridge.  Sir Filch says all is forgiven as long as he can still marry off his daughter to the king of the snow’s uncle.  Both families gather at Sir Filch’s crib, but instead of giving him more men, Sir Filch gives him about fifty crossbow bolts in the face, kills his pregnant wife, AND his mother.  Sir Filch really wanted that wedding.

As all this is happening, Theon is tortured a lot and gets his dick cut off.

MEANWHILE, Stabbity Jane gets caught up with a group of men called The Brotherhood Without Banners.  They believe that the wholly unnecessary war between the various noble lords is going to kill all the poor people unlucky enough to be in the middle of everything.  They believe this because they’ve been paying attention, and you’re like, “How is it they have no internet and they’re still better informed than most Americans?” So anyway they have Stabbity in their custody, and they give her a firsthand lesson in reconciling ideals with the real-world hassles of having to pay for things.  She gets fed up with their apparent hypocrisy, and bails, but gets caught by a burn victim named Dogman Sandy.  He takes her to the wedding where he knows her older brother, the king of the snow will be.  He’s doing this for money, not because he’s a good guy.  By the time they get there though, the party’s already become a MASSIVE DISAPPOINTMENT.  When she hears some soldiers making fun of her dead family, she stabs one of them into oblivion, and Dogman kills the rest.

MEANWHILE, her half-brother, Broody Goth Boy is hanging out in the snow as a prisoner of the wildy people.  The wildy people turn out to not be the terrible people everyone thinks they are, but they do have a fairly liberal policy regarding murder.  Apparently it’s cool to shove a knife in someone’s face as long as the hand holding it is the invisible hand of the free market.

Broody falls in love with a wildy girl whose name you just know you aren’t going to need to remember, because after that wedding, names are becoming a seriously low priority.  The two of them hang out with some other wildy peeps for a few days, but as soon as he’s able, he hops on a horse to go back to the wall where he’s supposed to spend his life freezing to death and not having sex.  He does this AFTER he’s had sex with the wildy girl, and you’re like, “That must’ve been pretty terrible sex, I wonder if she just punched him in the throat for twenty minutes,” because THERE’S NO WAY HE’D CHOOSE NO SEX OVER SEX.  Anyway he jumps on his horse, and wildy girl is pretty hurt by this so she shoots him with three arrows, which lends a little credibility to the punching him in the throat theory.

MEANWHILE, across the ocean, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady takes her army without nipples to Slavetown, which is the biggest of the cities she’s been to so far.  There’s an army of mercenaries ready to fight her, but she meets with the three mercenary leaders.  They leave after one of them excessively insults her.  Later, the prettiest of them comes back and he’s cut off the heads of the other two.  He does this because he “only fights for beauty,” which sounds like something a thirteen-year-old, chronically-addicted gamer would say, but she’s still objectively hot as fuck, so it kinda flies.  He and Sir Lusty Pants and some others sneak into the city and kill all the guards.  The next day Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and her peeps are outside the city gates, and all the slaves come out to join her.  She tells them they’re free, and they call her mommy.

The season ends with Magic Dragon Jesus Lady crowd surfing on the shoulders of people who were just slaves two minutes ago.

Takeaways from this season: Everyone is still a redneck, but the wildy people, who should be the most rednecky, are actually the least.  The nobility, who should be the least rednecky are actually the most, AND they fuck within their own families.  Civilization is still a lie, but it’s a lie that the working class are totally happy supporting and maintaining.  The random whims of nobility are the greatest threat to the lie.  The Brotherhood Without Banners have shit figured out.  Honor is still an enormously dangerous thing to embrace, but if you embrace it, AND have the ability to not let it kill you, you’re genuinely a hero.  This might be something all heroes have in common, I’m not sure, I’ll have to think on it.  Also, what exactly is a hero?

#GoT #WhatMakesaHero #PorkSausage # StayInSchoolLadies