Looking at Game of Thrones (Season Seven)

Once again, with 100% love in my heart, I present my Game of Thrones Season 7 wrap up (#spoilers obviously):

As the series begins working toward a conclusion, the various surviving characters come back into each other’s company, which means the summary structure that I’ve chosen to follow will have to change for this season and the next.

I guess let’s start with Raven Bran, whose middle name appears to be “Aloof.”  Raven is now back home in Snowtown, and he spends most of his time sitting alone / time napping back to the past, and all over the present, in other parts of the world.  Every so often one of his siblings will try to talk with him, and he throws out a line of dialogue meant to indicate that, as he becomes more comfortable being Raven-y, his ties to humanity / his family grow weaker, but honestly it just makes him sound like the lead character in my new series of children’s books, The Saddest Little Vampire.  Raven Bran ends his arc this season with an incredibly important line of dialogue that we’ll get to later.  Mostly he’s just aloof.  And wan (#YouNeedTinder).

Also hanging out in Snowtown are John Fuckin’ Snow, Stabbity Jane, Sansa, and Sansa’s uncle, Lord Cheesedick.  Lord Cheesedick really wants to take Sansa to #Bonetown, and even though he’s her uncle, it’s only by marriage and in this show, that irrelevant distinction is all you need to make it sound like something other than repulsive, BECAUSE SO MANY OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS SHOW ARE ICKY THAT WAY (#icky).  So Lord Cheesedick wants to have #IckyLove with Sansa, but he also wants to manipulate her into assuming control of the north, and then marry her so he’ll have de facto control of the north when he succeeds in his plans to sit on the throne in Kingtown.  It’s actually a pretty great plan, except for the part where a complete sack of shit winds up on the throne.  Although, how that’s different from the usual set of affairs…fuck it, it’s a pretty great plan that wouldn’t change a goddamn thing.

ANYWAY John Fuckin’ Snow has just been proclaimed king of the snow, but he gets summoned to go pay Magic Dragon Jesus Lady a visit, and despite EVERYONE saying, “This might be a bad idea,” he goes anyway, because he’s as bad at listening to advice as his father and his brother, both of whom no longer own a skull.  So, with John Fuckin’ Snow out of the way, Lord Cheesedick begins working on manipulating Sansa and Stabbity against each other, which isn’t very hard because they were never close when they were younger, and because Stabbity has survived multiple traumas by becoming a bit of a dick.  His motivation for wanting Stabbity out of the way is a bit vague other than she’s clearly a wild card he doesn’t really understand.  He plants evidence for Stabbity to find in the form of a note that Sansa was manipulated into writing at the time of her idiot father’s death.  This prompts a snarky little exchange between her and Sansa that almost comes off like an episode of Real Wives of Snowtown, and just when you think Sansa’s going to fall for Lord Cheesedick’s bullshit, it turns out she’s been paying attention to everything that’s happened to her which, in a way, is kind of like a college education.  If college involved repeated rape and years of emotional torture.  A BA is probably easier (#JustSayin).  But whatever, she’s been paying attention to all the shit that’s happened to her is the point, and she summons Lord Cheesedick to the VIP room in Snowtown, where the important rednecks gather and decide which rednecks are cool and which ones are dicks, and she points out to him, in front of the assembled rednecks, that he’s an utter failure of a human, and a traitorous, conniving sack of shit, and when he realizes everyone there hates him and finally sees him for what he is, he falls to his knees and starts crying, which might be awkward, but we’re spared from too much of it because Stabbity steps in and relieves him of all his blood.  And you’re screaming in joy because blah blah blah, this show really has a way of revealing things about yourself.  It’s a REALLY good moment.

MEANWHILE, down in Kingtown, Queenmom is in charge of everything now, all her children are dead, she has Frankenmountain for a body guard, and she’s openly fucking her twin brother, Uncle Dad, because who’s left for anyone to complain to?  Kingtown is the worst place on earth, and the leadership now openly reflects that.  It feels a little Caligulaesque, but with a lot more #GrrrlPower, which is…progressive?

MEANWHILE, across the oc…sorry, no, everyone’s on the same continent now.  I HOPE ALL THE FREED SLAVES ACROSS THE OCEAN AREN’T GETTING FUCKED OVER BY THE NEW POWER STRUCTURE THERE, BUT WHATEVER.  Anyway, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady has arrived at her ancestral home with her massive armies, a navy, three dragons, Sir Lusty Pants, Spymaster Baldy, and Tyrion the Dwarf.  And she’s promptly talked out of burning Kingtown to a cinder, and you’re like I WANT KINGTOWN TO BE BURNED TO A CINDER (NOTE:  I WILL REGRET SAYING THIS #EvenMoreForeshadowing), but no one gives a shit what you think, because you’re the sort of person who yells at televisions.  She calls for John Fuckin’ Snow to drop by for a visit so he can acknowledge her right to the throne, which, whatever, and he shows up.  One of the reasons he shows up is because he’s super careless about what happens to his head, but another reason is because her castle is sitting on giant mountain of dragon glass, which is like bug spray for ice zombies (#ZombieOff), and he’s fairly concerned about the massive army of ice zombies marching south.  He wants to mine the #ZombieOff and make weapons out of it, which is a solid plan, but first, he has to get into a pissing contest with Magic Dragon Jesus Lady.  She wants him to bend the knee, and he’s like, “no,” and she’s like, “yes,” and he’s like, “no,” and it’s as tedious as it sounds, but it doesn’t last very long.  While they’re dicking around with their honor, one of her armies assaults Queenmom’s childhood home, but it’s been abandoned, and now that army has to basically hang out there because the navy that took them there gets destroyed by a clever island redneck with a better navy.  Magic Dragon Jesus Lady is a bit vexed, so she decides to take her army of rapey, stabby hill people, and one of her dragons out for a for a murder spree.

Stepping out of the summary for a bit of commentary.  Season five gave us the Hardhome Massacre, season six gave us the Battle of the Bastards, and season seven gives us the Loot Train Attack.  Each sequence is gorgeous, I’m sure each of them have won a shit ton of awards, and each one surpasses the previous one.  The emotional stakes of each of these sequences is so high because at this point in the show, so many characters have been killed off that you’re practically related to the surviving characters.  You genuinely feel like you’ve been through everything with them, and the prospect of losing one of them – which has to happen – is genuinely upsetting.  Except for Cersei, who’s a terrible piece of shit.  And seriously one of the best movie / TV villains of all time.  Anyway, the Loot Train Attack is the craziest shit ever.  We’ve been hearing for over six years about how terrifying an army of Dothraki horse riders are, and now we get to see exactly why that is.  We’ve known for a while now how terrifying dragons are, but for the first time we get to actually see what that means, and we learn that dragons are weapons of mass destruction.  The Loot Train Attack is just bananas, and summarizing it would be an insult to its greatness, so I’ll content myself with calling it a “murder spree.”

ANYWAY, when she gets back from her murder spree, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and John Fuckin’ Snow get over their schoolyard pissing contest, and decide to work together.  While trying to convince her that the war with Queenmom needs to take a backseat to the looming ice zombie problem, Tyrion points out that Queenmom won’t ever believe him that #IceZombiesAreReal.  Sir Lusty Pants says he’ll go get one and bring it back to show Queenmom to shut her up, and John Fuckin’ Snow says he’ll go too, because he’s the only one with any experience fighting them.  So, through a series of events, John Fuckin’ Snow leads a group of people comprised of, among others, Sir Lusty Pants, Dogman Sandy, and the Brotherhood Without Banners, north of the wall.  They’re quickly outnumbered by ice zombies, which #duh, and they almost get their asses handed to them, when Magic Dragon Jesus Lady shows up with her dragons and saves the day.  Unfortunately, in the process of being a badass, one of her dragons is killed by Ice King, but still, they all get away and they have an ice zombie all tied up to take to Kingtown to show Queenmom what’s up.  Equally important, Magic Dragon Jesus Lady has now seen, firsthand, the genuine threat posed by the massive-ass army of skellies and wights.  Later, the ice zombies fish the dead dragon out of the lake it fell into when it died.  Ice King walks up to it, touches its face, and the dragon’s eye opens, all blue and scary.  Ice King now has a weapon of mass destruction too (#TheLivingAreSoFucked).

Back in Kingtown, everyone assembles for a massive meeting.  Magic Dragon Jesus Lady, John Fuckin’ Snow, and Queenmom are the three remaining monarchs.  The people who are gathered here haven’t seen each other in forever, and some of them hate each other, and some of them don’t, but they still tried to kill each other the last time they were together, and the mood and tone of the gathering is heavier than a contract negotiation with the teamsters union.  Despite a brief hiccup where John Fuckin’ Snow almost screws the whole thing over because his ideals prevent him from being able to tell a lie to someone who’d happily murder him (WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR FATHER JOHN?!?!?!), the meeting ends with Queenmom duly horrified by the ice zombie they brought for show and tell, and she agrees that their individual squabbles can wait until after they’ve dealt with the real enemy, and they all part ways with a temporary truce in effect.  Queenmom was lying of course, because she’s a heinous piece of shit, but also because story structure.  She fully plans to betray everyone, kill them, and deal with the ice zombies later.  This is her plan because – and this cannot be overstated – she’s a fucking idiot, like everyone else who’s sat on the throne in Kingtown.

On their way back north Magic Dragon Jesus Lady and John Fuckin’ Snow decide they’re just too objectively hot to put off sex any longer.  Also, they’re traveling north by boat, and there’s no internet, so…#Bonetown.

MEANWHILE, back in Snowtown John’s friend from his time serving on the wall with the #horngry crow people shows up and has a conversation with Raven Bran.  Raven says that John needs to know that he’s not actually Ned Stark’s bastard son, he’s actually the illegitimate son of Ned’s sister, Lyanna, and Rhaegar Targaryen, who is the older brother of Magic Dragon Jesus Lady.  Apparently John Fuckin’ Snow’s real name is Aegon Targaryen, and that’s when John’s friend says no, he’s not their illegitimate son, they were legit married and John Fuckin’ Snow is actually the legitimate heir to the throne in Kingtown.  And more importantly, he’s currently having #BoinkyTime with his auntie, which again, in this show, kind of not even a thing at this point.  At least it’s consensual.

The season ends with the army of the dead destroying a section of the wall, while Ice King takes his new pet dragon for a test drive (#TheLivingAreSoFucked).

Takeaways from this season: Thank god dragons aren’t real.  Also, why is it always the wrong people who end up in legit seats of power?  Also, tell a fucking lie John!  Good lord, it’s totally fine to lie to a sociopathic queen, it won’t render all words meaningless, #ugh.  Civilization is still a lie, the ruling class is still the worst, honor is still dangerous, the world is still indifferent.  Leaders are still invaluable.  Kings and queens are still useless.

#GoT #LootTrainAttack #FuckKings #GrrrlPower #ZombieOff #IckyLove