For the record, I write the following with 100% love in my heart. Game of Thrones Season 1 wrap up (#spoilers):
There’s a family of goodhearted idiots who live in the snow and the patriarch, whose name you honestly don’t need to commit to memory (so we’ll just call him “snow idiot”), is best friends with another idiot from the south, who also happens to be king. King idiot drinks too much wine and is somewhere between Emotionally Broken and Sadistic Asshole, on the spectrum of How Much Time Do I Want to Spend with This Guy? King idiot has a handful of children who aren’t really his, because his wife, Queenmom, who rightly hates him, sleeps with her twin brother, Uncle Dad, because she’s all over both ends of that spectrum (which is impossible, but she makes it work), and he – Uncle Dad – is their real father. King idiot asks snow idiot to come live in a more reasonable climate, and to bring his whole family with him, and snow idiot says, “k,” even though EVERYONE knows that EVERYTHING in Kingtown is terrible and that all the worst parts of humanity live there.
MEANWHILE, across the ocean, there’s a massive tribe of rapey, stabby hill people, who spend the majority of their time raping and stabbing. Their leader purchases a 14-year-old bride from her brother, Turd McRedshirt, and both of them are the children of the guy who used to be king, before king idiot led a rebellion and became the current king.
King idiot wants both the girl, and her brother / pimp dead, because their dad was a dick, and that might be the most sound thinking he displays before his wife, Queenmom, has him murdered with a mixture of wild-boar attack and subpar wine. This puts snow idiot in a real bind, because he’s found out that king idiot’s son is really Inbred Jed, but before he can do anything about it, Inbred Jed has him thrown in the dungeon and eventually cuts his head off, because Inbred Jed – and this will come as a surprise to no one – is also an idiot.
MEANWHILE, across the ocean, the leader of the rapey, stabby hill people has fathered a child with the bride he purchased, but before he can put together some kind of navy to transport all of them and their horses (I guess they’re really fond of their horses) across the sea to kill king idiot (who’s already dead), he dies because HE GOT A SMALL CUT ON HIS PECTORAL MUSCLE BUT HE AND HIS PEOPLE DON’T BELIEVE IN FUCKING MEDICINE, and so he’s dead, and his child bride loses their baby in some magicky attempt to bring him back to life, so she takes three dragon eggs and sets herself on fire, but instead of dying, she’s alive and naked and covered in baby dragons, and the few people still hanging out with her fall to their knees and become founding members of the Magic Dragon Jesus Lady cult.
Takeaways from this season: EVERYONE is a redneck. Everyone. Civilization is a bald-faced lie, held together by spider webs and dumb luck.
#GoT #EveryoneIsARedneck #JustPutSomeWaterOnItDumbAss