Hurricane Anxiety!

Well. Following up from yesterday’s anxietygasm, it turns out there was actually a worse worst case scenario:


Obviously that one’s beyond my control, so I’m able to resist beating myself up about it (obviously I could, but I’m better today). By the way, apparently hurricane season in Cancun is from June to November (#TheMoreYouKnow). If things continue as they are, Hurricane Beryl should miss us and we’ll be able to fly out tomorrow. If not, I guess we’re hanging out in a resort we won’t be able to use in any enjoyable way (this seems like a good time to acknowledge how incredibly privileged we are…six dead in Jamaica already…).

So anyway, this is the non-anxiety version of what happened yesterday:

I was walking barefoot back from the pool. It was a two minute walk, but that was enough for third degree burns on the bottom of my feet. I saw a hotel doctor, and then an outside doctor, and ultimately, I had to go to the hospital to have the blisters taken care of in a sanitary facility. The treatment was pretty fast, but they held me for observation for a few hours, and released me with some bandages and antibiotics. It’s hotter at home than it is here, and I walk barefoot outside there all the time, so I have no idea why it’s so much worse here, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll never walk barefoot again. Lesson learned.

Everyone at every step of this was awesome by the way. We have trip insurance, so the medical expenses will be covered, and the cost of the trip should be covered. I have to stay off my feet and I have to stay out of water, which renders the whole vacation kind of pointless, so we’re flying home tomorrow.

Our options for flying home on Alaska were either Friday or Sunday, and Friday had an overnight layover in Seattle, which would be awesome if I could walk without damaging my feet more. So, we found a flight on United that leaves tomorrow, and we should be getting into LAX around midnight. $3K one way, but fuck it.

The above is honestly more for my own records than anything else, sorry. A quick observation about anxiety though:

Yesterday, while I was in the middle of the “why me / I’m cursed” bullshit, I knew it was just my damaged monkey brain catastrophizing, but that knowledge did jack shit to stop me feeling that way. Today though, I found out about Hurricane Beryl, and I have to say, it can be really difficult to talk yourself down from the “why me / I’m cursed” bullshit when it seems like the world is giving you objective positive confirmation that you might actually be cursed. Thank god I didn’t know about it in the middle of my anxiety last night.

Today’s anxiety is just rational anxiety / concern about my health and my feet. In dealing with all the family death over the last two years, I’ve put on close to a hundred pounds, which legit hurts my feelings to write. It turns out bariatric surgery doesn’t do much to unfuck your psychology around food, and it turns out that when life gets hard, some of us revert to our unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s easy to blame stress or Covid or whatever, but I clearly need to work with a head doctor to start dealing with that shit. Maybe CBT. Maybe electrodes connected to my nipples (I’m keeping an open mind is all I’m saying).

This is a picture of me from four years ago:

And this is us leaving for Cancun early Monday morning:

I’ve been told by several people that I looked unhealthy in that first picture and that’s fine, but I felt better. So much better. I don’t need to get back down to that, but I do need to get rid of the weight I put on in the last two years. If I don’t, I seriously run the risk of being reacquainted with the plethora of old health problems listed in this old post.

I used to post weekly updates about my health here. I think it kept me accountable. When shit with my dad started getting bad, I stopped, and that immediately made it easier to live in denial about the weight gain. I think I need to start that up again. Or nipple electrodes, or whatever.

Anyway, fingers crossed we successfully get out of here tomorrow. And fingers crossed things go well with the foot doctor the day after. Doubtless more to come…